Oh-My-God-I'm-Going-To-Throw-Up;
The Waxing and Waning of this Crazy Roller Coaster Ride

Blog 2. Lets go.

Those Who Wander Are Not Lost. I think about this saying as I enter into my rented bedroom after a day of work, in this new town, where I am piecing together a new life and trying to remember to smile at myself more often then not. I walk in and leave the door ajar; my window open, allowing a nice breeze to buzz in and remind me of my connection to it all. I take a few very deep breaths and remember where I am.

I was nervous that after blogging once I wouldn't be able to regain my courage and blog a second time; but here I am, blogging away. This white blank screen telling me it has all the answers if only I would just write them. Who am I now? I think at this very moment. How has it changed in the last few days, hours? How has it changed since this morning?

It has been a very difficult couple of days. An extreme steamroller ride of unexpected pain and joy. My emotions seem to be as changing as the moon phases and other celestial bodies (does Mars break down crying?). I feel like lately each morning I wake up thinking, "Phew! I made it! I did it! I survived another night!" It seems like I can be ok, even joyful for a couple of days and then its like the sky comes crashing down again and I fall a part. Unable to understand what it is I am supposed to do to stabilize myself.

Someone at work mentioned this saying to me. But for some reason I interpreted it as Those Who Wander Are Lost and said out loud immediately, "Oh I hate that saying!" before realizing that my brain had taken it as an excuse to be hard on myself for not having a stable place, and had tweaked the wording just a bit. My co-worker was surprised. And then I quickly remembered what the actual saying was and what he in reality said and thought, "Oh right...I'm not lost."

I think now about all this newness in my life. How challenging this transition has been. How once again life as taken a turn that I had no way of being prepared for; and as the Moon grows large and incredibly close to the Earth and then moves slowly away again, I am left with a feeling of strangeness; an awkward awareness of something I don't understand but what desperately to get closer to. It's like an itch that moves me through these heavens everyday.

And I realized right before writing this that these challenges I am experiencing now, they are all opportunities for me to step into who I am. It is like each day something is saying to me, "Here you go. Just do it." Each day I am being asked to be me, to let go of what is holding me back and "just do it". "It" being everything I could ever dream of doing and experiencing.  To use every bit of confidence and potential I have. To step up. To fulfill my path, my essence, my true being. Even though I feel like I have no idea what that is or who that is and can easily get caught up on that sentiment. How am I supposed to get there if I don't have any idea where I am going? It's like I am being asked to drive to a certain destination without having any directions. And then I realize, this is how I live each day. This is how everyone lives. We are mostly a series of unpredictable impromptu decisions and moments, fluidly moving in and out from one moment to the next. I usually function by just going. That is my compass. And that is usually where my most meaningful experiences come from.

I do know that this is exhausting. Each moment saying to me, Go. Do it. Be. Live. Shine. It's like being constantly pushed onto an impromptu stage by the Universe. I get those same butterfly crazy feelings when trying to navigate my life that I do right before I speak up in front of a crowd or play music and sing in front of people or write a blog! It is a lot of pressure! But so much love comes from it, and so much beauty pours forth from this impromptu life.

I guess it is just a matter of feeling comfortable with not knowing the destination, or even understanding the ride. Just trying to answer the day and do it. Allowing myself to spin along with everyone else and all of the stars and planets. Waxing and waning, getting close to something and then farther away. And to just accept the ride and love it. I am grateful for these challenges that are demanding me to be myself. For example, currently I am being asked to Write more and Improve My Writing. And lately I am being asked to Play Music. Just Play. I have had so many unexpected opportunities, tumbling one after another like old saxophones falling out of a closet that has been locked for a very long time, to play music. All I have to do is jump on them; and trust that out there, among the mist are so many other opportunities that will make themselves present, that align with other things I long to do, like teach yoga and be in a relationship that surprises me by its unbound growth and beauty everyday (both things I want so badly!).

There is so much about life that makes you feel like you are going to throw up. Like right before you preform a piece of music or go on stage. You feel so sick and nervous. "Will I do all I came here to do?" And then you take the leap. And it is the most amazing blissful joyful rush you ever experience. We can do that all the time. We just have to get over the oh-my-god-i'm-going-to-throw-up part. 

Patience. Patience and Acceptance. And exercises that join me with my true self and remind me that I am a beautiful amazing woman, fluid with this life, and that I AM STRONG AND CAN DO ANYTHING. GO ME. And If I want to throw up, I can throw up! That's fine! This is hard stuff, but then I have to just keep on trying to get back on that stage...because that is what I want.

And really what else am I supposed to do.

Blog 2, Complete.
Love love love love LOVE (even when you are throwing up),
Ariel